Artemis Fowl and the Philosopher's bone
by Mystic Weaver
Summary: A HP parody using Artemis & co. as the cast. Rating may change.


A weird and probably flame-worthy idea. A Harry Potter parody using Artemis & co. uh..just read it.

Forget everything you know about Artemis Fowl and Harry Potter & co. Read this like a new story, and don't flame because they're OOC, please. They're meant to be that way.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

**Cast:**

**Harry Potter: Artemis Fowl                     **

**Ron Weasley:  Mulch Diggums**

**Hermione Granger: Juliet Butler (yes, I know. Just trust me on this)**

**Hagrid: Domovoi Butler**

**Fred & George weasley: Trouble & Grub Kelp**

**Albus Dumbledore: Commander Root**

**Draco Malfoy: Jon Spiro**

**Voldemort (except the good-guy and female): Holly Short**

**Quirrel: Goblin leader**

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Butler: Artemis, it's time that you know something.

Artemis: Don't be ridiculous, I know everything

Butler: You're a fairy, Arty

Artemis: IIII didn't know that.

Butler: Yer going to Rootwarts academy of sprite-craft an' elvery

Artemis: Say what now? Does my mother know about this?

Butler: Of course she knows! She went there herself. Actually, it was an evil elf that made her go insane, sunk the Fowl star and made that mark on your face.

*A black eye suddenly appears on Artemis's face.*

Artemis: You said all that happened in a car crash!

Butler: No I didn't

Artemis: Yes you did

Butler: No I didn't

Artemis: Yes you did

Butler No I didn't

Artemis: Yes you did

Butler: No I didn't

Artemis: Yes you did

Butler: No I - Oh wait. I did. My mistake.

Artemis: So, why did the evil elf do all those things?

Butler: A prophecy was made that you would one day kidnap her. So Holly broke into your home and punched you, leaving that mark on your face.

Artemis: Holly?

Butler: Shhh! We do not say her name! 

Artemis: But you just said-

Butler: Shhh!

Artemis: *Sigh* fine then

Butler: What makes you special is the fact that you lived after being punched. _Nobody _who was punched by she-who-must-be-referred-to-with-ridiculously-long-and-tedious-names has ever survived.

Artemis: And there's the fact that I'm a criminal genius.

Butler: There's that too. But you're the boy _who lived_.

Artemis: O-kay then.

Artemis: So you want me to go to some academy where I will most likely come face-to-face with she-who-must-be-referred-to-with-ridiculously-long-and-tedious-names at least once a year?

Butler: Basically

Artemis: Why didn't you just say so?

Butler: Now follow me, I will take you to a super-secret-magic-shop-street.

Artemis: Oooh.

*Butler leads the way through a super-secret wall*

Artemis: *Looking around* This is Marks and Spencer's, Butler.

Butler: Oh crap. Oh well, you can buy yer basic junk here.

Artemis: Why did you start talking like that?

Butler: Like wha?

Artemis: Like some English half-wit.

Butler: *shrugging* Well if the shoe fits.

*Artemis gets on the Rootwarts express*

Mulch: Hey, I'm an unwanted sibling who hasn't got a penny to rub together but I pretend like it doesn't bother me. You wanna be my best friend?

Artemis: Not real-

Mulch: I can help you steal stuff.

Artemis: Sure.

Mulch: You wanna see me do some magic?

Artemis: No.

Mulch: Well you can't because I don't have any. You wanna see me beat stuff up? I have this swear toad pet that I like to practice on.

Artemis: I'm sure Butler's a lot better at it then you.

*Juliet comes in their carriage*

Juliet: Holy cricket, you're Artemis Fowl! You're the boy _who lived._

Artemis: Juliet, we _live_ in the same house.

Juliet: Oh yeah.

Mulch: Hey, honey.

Juliet: Eeew. And you are? Actually, never mind, you're probably not too important. *Sees swear toad* Are you trying to beat stuff up? Let's see then.

*Mulch and Artemis exchange _a look_*  
  


Mulch: OK

*Mulch opens his bum-flap and fart slams the swear toad out of the carriage*

Juliet: That was fighting? Well, it wasn't very good, was it? I've been trained in a custom blend of martial arts. *Goes outside and picks up swear-toad. Mulch and Artemis are entertained for several minutes*

Juliet: Take this, smelly toad!  
  


Toad: F***, SH**, Damn, You crazy b****, D'arvit!

All: *stare*

Artemis: The toad can talk???

Toad: Of course I can you dumbass son-of-a-b*****! I'm a frigging swear toad, aren't I?

Artemis: Why you little-

Toad: Also, I'm one of Holly Short's lowly servants who assisted in ruining your whole f***ing life turned into Mulch's Damn pet just so I can get frigging close to you.

Juliet: huh?

Artemis: WHAT?

Toad: Whoops, forget I said that.

All: OK.

Mulch: I'm hungry. Feed me!

Juliet: Shut up!

Mulch: FEED ME!

Artemis: Fine, fine! *takes out some gold*

Juliet & Mulch: Oooh, Pretty!

Artemis: *realising that it's _gold_ he took out* Stay back! It's mine! Mine, you hear? All mine! Mwahahaha! 

Butler: You know Arty, that greed's gonna be a problem when ya have to save the day n'all.

Artemis: Where the heck did you come from?

Juliet: _Heck?_ Who taught you to swear? You've just spent five minutes with an evil swear-toad. You would think you'd learned _something!_

Toad: Hey, I thought I told you b****es to forget I said anything.

Juliet: Oh yeah, myyy mistake. 

Butler:  The train ride's over now. You're at Rootwarts Academy of-

Artemis: Sprite-craft and elvery, yes we know Butler.

Butler: *sticks his tongue out*

Artemis: The question is: what are _you _doing here?

Butler: I'm the grounds-keeper. I'm also the martial arts and cooking teacher.

Artemis: How the hell did you find time to do that _and _be my bodyguard.

Butler: *puzzled* I don't know...

*authoress appears in a blaze of light*

Juliet: It coulda been more dramatic.

Authoress: *shrugging* Budget cut.

Juliet: Oh.

Mulch: FEED ME!

Artemis: Wooow! You are the most..hideous person I've ever seen.

Mulch: I see you haven't been using a little thing I like to call 'the mirror'.

Artemis: You mean, the mirror of arised that Root's keeping somewhere at the academy?  
  


Root: You KNOW about that?

Artemis: Well, I am a genius you know. And I was _trying_ to say that our _esteemed_ authoress is ugly.  

Authoress: Shut up, dumbass! I've just come to-

Artemis: Dumb ass? *indignantly* well I _never_!

Authoress: *slaps forehead* How many times do I have to tell you idiots, British people do _not _talk like that! 'well I never' and 'good work old-boy' and all that crap are just stupid stereotypes that Hollywood and the rest of the world seem to have about us.

Juliet: Tea and crumpets anyone?

Authoress: AAARGH!!! I just came to say that you are hereby forbidden from making Butler think. GOT IT?  
  


All: *blink* 

Authoress: Oh Forget it! *disappears in another blaze of light*

Butler: So anyway.Firs' years follow me!

Jon Spiro: We're all already in the castle you great lummox! We were waiting for you!

Butler: Oh, eh.well..

Artemis: Don't you be talking shit 'bout ma Butler!  
  


All: *stare*

Artemis: *sigh* Well, I thought you all were acting repugnantly out of character so it wouldn't make a difference what I say.

All: I see.

Artemis: *holding a copy of the script* (to Jon) Weren't we supposed to meet on the Rootwarts express? And *looking him up and down* How old exactly are you???? You look a little old to be here.

Jon: I'm eleven. Don't be fooled by the skin, that's just coz I smoke a lot. See what smoking does? *adopting teacher-ish tone* JUST SAY NO!

*out of nowhere*                

*~*~~BANG! ~~*~*

Authoress: (cursing) AARGHH!!!!!!!!!!! WOULD YOU STOP GIVING OUT FRIGGIN GOOD-WILL MESSAGES AND STICK TO THE SCRIPT! DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A BARNEY EPISODE TO YOU? *then to artemis* AND YOU! STOP _SOILING the _STORY. I DON'T GIVE A SH** IF YOU ARE THE PRIME MINISTER HIMSELF, YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW ANYTHING YET!

Juliet: 'soiling'?

Authoress: whoops.sorry; typo. Gotta go..

*~*~~BANG! ~~*~* (authoress is gone)

Juliet: Much more impressive this time.

Authoress: thanks.

Juliet: I thought you were gone.

Authoress: *sheepishly* Yeah, but I realised I have no where to go.

Artemis: *cough* Vagabond

Authoress: I heard that, puny mortal!

Artemis: so, uh.where were we? Guys!? *looks around and sees Jon talking to Juliet.*

Jon: Hey baby, wanna have a love-hate relationship?  
  


Juliet: EWWW! Arty help! It's a paedophile!  
  


Jon: I keep telling you that I'm the same age as you!  
  
Juliet: HELP!  
  
Artemis: *inspecting fingernails* You hardly need my help.

Juliet: Oh yeah.*beats up Jon*

Butler: Atta girl!  
  


Artemis: (to Butler) where'd you go off to?

Butler: Feasts over, go to yer rooms.

All: DOH!!

Mulch: NOOOOO!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WILL SOMEBODY FEED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Authoress: PUT A SOCK IN IT!  
  
Mulch: *hopefully* have you got a sock?  
  
Authoress: No.

Mulch: Ohhhhh. FEEEEEEEEEED MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!

Swear toad: Oh shut the f*** up!  
  


Authoress: Nicely said. 

Grub Kelp: truly spiffing, old boy!

Authoress: SHUT UP!!!!

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Professor Snape: There will be no foolish neutrino waving or silly incantations in this class. As it is, I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science that is nuclear-warhead making, but for those select few *glances at Jon Spiro* that possess the predisposition.I can teach you how to be-

Mulch: snore

Snape: who is this nincompoop?

Artemis: There's only one name written on the door.

Snape: ten points from gryffinrich!

Artemis: Scary

Snape: Twenty points!  
  


Artemis: I'm shaking.

Snape: fifty points!

Artemis: Look, this may work on your more.*glances around*.challenged students, but I am a genius. A rich one too, and I really don't give a shit.

Snape: I hate you.

Holly short: Join the club.

Snape: I'm foreman!

Holly short: I'm chairman.

Mulch: Arty, I think Snape's working with she-who-must-be-reffered-to-with-ridiculously-long-and-tedious-names.

Artemis: I doubt it.

Mulch: But-

Artemis: shh! I've read the script remember? I plan on riding this out.

Mulch: Oooh..cool.

Arty: indeed.

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